The Grail
by Jaxonii
Summary: In his study of humor, Data searches through some late 20th century comedies. Unfortunately, the program Data uses is corrupt and has a very strange effect on the entire ship, including trapping Will Riker and Deanna Troi inside the holodeck. Now complete
1. Chapter 1

RATING: utter silliness, but we'll say "T" just to be safe ;)

DISCLAIMER: Some of the characters belong to Paramount, some to Python (Monty). No infringement is intended or profit gained.

SETTING: After Generations

AUTHORS: Jaxonii and co-written with Squeek E Bat

Author's note/warning: This is something my best friend and I, along with 27 East Texas dancing llamas, a lost moose, and a half-bee named Eric worked on for fun. As you probably noticed in the disclaimer, there are several Monty Python characters in this story. If you know anything about the Python, you can expect this to be silly, insane, and probably make little sense in some instances. If you don't… you might want to at least watch The Holy Grail before reading this; otherwise, you'll probably be lost. :-o

Enough warning, now… GET ON WITH IT! lol ;)

The Grail

Data walked with an even gait as he approached the turbolift. He felt anticipation over the small holochip in his hand. It was all very fascinating that such a small device could evoke such feelings.

He looked up, taking note that Counselor Troi entered the lift before him. She placed her hand on the door, allowing him to join her.

"Thank you, Counselor," he said as he passed through the doors. "Deck eight. Is that your destination also?" He tossed an isolinear chip into the air, catching it with his left hand.

"Yes," she answered, watching the chip as it flipped into Data's hand. "What is that, Data?"

"This holochip contains several 20th century comedies from Great Britain. Ensign Johnston from Engineering recommended them to me." Data felt a wave of excitement as he told her about his prize. "I cannot wait to watch them."

That was a true statement. Data really wanted to watch, to experience, this new selection of comedy he had been advised of.

Deanna spoke, taking the android out of his musing. "You are really enjoying humor, aren't you?"

He smiled broadly. "Yes, indeed I am, Counselor!"

The lift stopped, depositing the two officers on Deck Eight. As they stepped into the hallway, Deanna walked past Data, saying over her shoulder, "I hope you have fun watching the comedies!"

"Thank you again, Counselor!" He replied and continued to his quarters.

Data walked into his room, taking a seat at his desk. He inserted the chip into a slot by the computer display and watched the screen.

The android's brow furrowed when an error message came up. He cocked his head to the side and typed a few commands into the computer. "Curious," he said aloud.

After a few moments of adjusting the chip's programming, the error message disappeared and the video began.

……Unbeknownst to Data, a stream of commands left from the chip, flowing to every active interface on the ship, including the holodecks…..

As Deanna strode to her quarters, shaking her head in amusement at Data's enthusiasm toward comedy. It was almost like watching a child learning something new and exciting about the world around him. She made a note to ask him about the experience later.

In the meantime, Troi had to get ready for an evening in the holodeck with Will. Things had been quite busy since they'd moved to the new Enterprise-E, and both had earned a well-deserved break. Will suggested a nice quiet picnic and she couldn't think of a better way she would want to spend her off-time.

Deanna entered her bedroom and found a comfortable green dress to wear. She brushed and pinned her hair up before leaving to meet Will.

The holodeck doors opened to reveal a beautiful clearing full of spring flowers. Smiling, Deanna entered. She could see Will on the far side of the meadow by a vast forest. Slowly, she made her way toward him, so to take in the bright sunlight and cool breeze.

Troi observed him for a few moments as he spread out a blanket and placed a picnic basket on it. She always liked watching Will; especially when he was wearing the blue tunic and dark gray trousers he had on. That was her favorite outfit and he knew it!

Will waved, flashing that amazing smile of his at her.

She waved back to him, noticing she could already see the dazzling blue of his eyes. That's all it took for Deanna to walk a little faster.

Troi couldn't wait to see what he'd packed for their picnic, either. Will was always the romantic and he knew better than anyone about her likes and dislikes. Carefully, she stepped onto the blanket he'd just spread out and took a seat.

As Will joined her, he stretched out on his side, resting his head on one hand. "How was your day?"

"It's getting better." Deanna smiled as she played with the troublesome lock hanging over his forehead. "What about yours?"

"Long." He grabbed her hand and kissed it. "I'm glad it's over. I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this."

Riker's beard tickled the back of her hand, making her giggle. "So, what's in the basket?" she asked.

"I thought you'd never ask!" Will sat up, opening the basket to pull a few things out. "It's not much, but we can always get something more if needed." He closed the lid, placing a bottle of red wine along with two glasses on top of the basket. Pouring some of the dark maroon liquid into each glass, he said, "I thought we'd start out with this."

"That sounds like a lovely idea." Deanna took the glass Will offered to her and took a sip. Carefully, she shifted to her side and leaned on one elbow, parallel to him.

Will gazed at her lovingly and took a sip of his wine; then smiled as he placed his and Deanna's glasses to the side.

He reached out and traced the side of her face and down to her neck.

Deanna caught his hand before it could go any lower and brought it to her lips. She could feel that was all the encouragement Will needed. He leaned toward her, taking her into his arms to capture her mouth with his.

They were lost in each other for untold moments.

Slowly, the light of the holographic sun dissipated and Will to broke away from Deanna. He looked around with a confused look on his face.

Deanna followed his gaze to see the previously unclouded sky was now a dull gray color, and the trees that surrounded the clearing were now shrouded in mist. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"The program was supposed to be for a nice, sunny spring day."

"Does that really matter? I like the rain." She smiled seductively at him.

"Well, I guess not. It just caught me off guard." Will returned the smile as he replied, "Now, where were we?" He reached back to take the pins out of Deanna's hair, allowing it to fall to her shoulders. "Much better." He cupped his hands at the base of her skull and kissed her again.

Deanna heard a clicking sound, almost like the sound of a horse trotting. This time, she pulled away. "What is that?" she asked.

"What?" Riker huffed, clearly irritated with the distraction.

She placed her finger across his lips. "Relax and listen."

The sound of hoof beats continued, sounding like they were getting closer.

"What is this?" Will asked. "That's not supposed to be in the program either." He looked up toward the sky. "Computer, end program." When nothing occurred, he called to the computer again. "End program!"

Nothing happened.

Deanna could feel Will's frustration as he loudly addressed the computer again. "Computer, arch! This is Commander Riker! END PROGRAM!"

Still no response.

Deanna stood up, a bit concerned. "That's interesting. I wonder what's going on?"

He joined her. "That's what I'd like to know. It looks like we're caught on the holodeck, _again_."

"Yes," she answered, "and if it's anything like the Ancient West program Alexander had, the only way to get out it is to play out the entire program… whatever it is."

Will sighed, raking a hand through his hair. "I guess we should start out by finding the person on the horse."

"That would be a good start!" Deanna smiled, wrapping her hands around his arm. "I have a feeling this is going to be fun, Will. I don't feel anything negative coming from the ship denoting any foul play. I think we should try to enjoy our little adventure."

"You know, you're right. For once, maybe our lives won't be in danger from whatever's going on in here." Riker placed his free hand on one of her hands on his arm, smiling mischievously. "Let's go!"

They followed the sound through the woods, eventually coming upon a grassy plain with a castle nestled near the center. A winding dirt path led up to the gates of the structure.

Will rolled his eyes. "Great, another castle. You remember who was involved last time we saw one in the holodeck."

"I don't think Q is here, though. He would've made an appearance by now." Deanna paused for a moment, then pointed toward one of the walls. "I see a couple of people over there."

Near the stone structure stood two men. Both clad in what appeared to be clothing similar to what was worn during medieval times in Great Britain. One had a huge backpack on.

Amazed, Deanna tapped Will's shoulder. "Do you see that? That man's backpack is almost twice his size!"

"I know," he said, "but I thought we heard hoof beats. Where are their horses?"

After a few minutes the two men walked away from the castle. The one with the pack was beating something together, making the sound Will and Deanna had been hearing.

"What the--?" Riker shook his head. "I must be seeing things."

Deanna laughed both at the men and at Will's amused confusion. "No, I don't think you are. Did you see the way they're walking? It's almost like they're skipping."

"Yeah, kids on earth skip like that when they're pretending to ride a horse." He also started to join in her . "I guess that's why the other is clapping those objects together to make the hoof beating sound!"

He took her hand. "Come on, I've got to see what happens next!"

"We don't have to go far." She said, giggling. "They've changed direction and are riding toward us!"

In a few moments, the two men approached Will and Deanna. They noticed the one in front was wearing a crown. He was the one who spoke. "Greetings, Sir Knight and my lady!" He spoke loudly as he turned to Will. "I am Arthur, King of the Bretons, and this is my servant, Patsy! I am searching the length and breadth of the land for knights to join me in my court at Camelot. Will you join me?"

Will looked to Deanna and she shrugged. "Sure! Why not?" he answered.

"You make me very happy, good Sir Knight!" The King drew his sword. "What is your name, so I may dub thee?"

Will tried not burst into laughter at the man in front of him. "My name is William Riker."

Arthur didn't seem to notice Riker's amusement. "Now, kneel before me!"

Riker knelt in front of the King, bowing his head.

"I dub thee, Sir William Riker of the Round Table!" He tapped Will on each shoulder with his sword. "You may rise."

Slowly, Riker stood and stepped back to Deanna's side. "Thank you, Your Majesty. May my friend accompany us?"

"Of course!" Arthur looked at him for what seemed like the first time. "You are oddly clothed for a knight, Sir William! And where is your sword?"

Will glanced at Deanna, then back to the king. "I - uh - left it at home, sir!"

Deanna nearly choked with laughter.

"Well, then, we may have to find you a new one!" The King turned toward the forest, skipping again. "Let us be off!"

Patsy handed Deanna a coconut, which had been cut in half, as the group began the trek toward the woods. Confused, she stared at the two pieces for a moment, then, the servant produced another coconut from his pack and began banging the halves together.

Troi nearly burst into another fit of giggles watching Will trying to skip in the same fashion as Arthur and Patsy. She quickly recovered and followed Patsy's lead, using the coconut halves to make the hoof beats for Will's imaginary horse.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

In his quarters, Captain Picard rested his chin in one hand as he scrolled through the details of the crew's next mission. He added a few of his own notes before shutting the console off.

Leaning back in his chair, he shut his eyes temporarily and took a deep breath. "Computer, play something baroque… I know, The Four Seasons, Autumn, by Vivaldi."

In a few moments, the first notes of the relaxing music began to flow through the room. Picard wasn't aware of how long he basked in the soothing tones. Then, something happened…

The music made a sort of squealing sound, leaving the room momentarily silent.

Then, The Liberty Bell by John Philip Sousa blared from the speakers.

Covering his ears, Picard commanded, "Computer, stop music. What the hell was that?" he asked.

The computer's voice stated, "The composition that just played was Autumn, from Antonio Vivaldi's Four Seasons."

"Then why did The Liberty Bell play?"

"Only one composition played."

Flustered, Picard tapped his commbadge. "Picard to LaForge."

There was a brief pause before the chief engineer answered. "LaForge here. What can I help you with, Captain?"

He sighed, running a hand over his smooth head. "I believe there is a malfunction with the computer. While I was listening to some music, the piece playing was suddenly interrupted by another song."

LaForge's voice sounded mildly amused. "Let me guess. It was something totally different, and the computer claims there wasn't anything else played."

"Right."

"That's been happening all over the ship, sir. In fact, the replicators aren't working right either. The only food they're putting out something called 'spam' and the only drink is beer."

"I guess it's a good thing I keep a stock of Chateau Picard," The captain smirked. "Do you know what could've caused this to happen?"

"No sir, but I was about to contact Data to help out with the situation."

"Good. Keep me informed. Picard out."

* * *

As the four continued on through the mist-shrouded countryside, Will noticed one by one, several more knights and squires appeared in their group. By the time they made it to the next castle, there were at least ten other people in this odd band of strange-acting knights.

Arthur led them up to the castle, stopping about 30 meters from the wall. Tilting his head back, he shouted, "Hello! Is anyone there?"

A few seconds passed before a guard looked over the stone wall at Arthur. He answered in a thick accent, "'Allo! Who ees zees?"

"I am King Arthur and these are my Knights of the Round Table!" he waved a hand toward the group behind him as he replied. "Whose castle is this?"

"Thees is zee castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!" the man said.

Arthur nodded at the name of the castle's owner, then ordered the guard, "Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail!"

The sentry sneered as he replied to the King's command. "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's already got one!"

A look of total surprise took over Arthur's face. "What! He's already got one? May we come up and see it?"

While the bantering between the king and castle guard continued, Will turned to speak to Deanna. "This is crazy."

She smiled at Will's statement. "I know. How much longer do you think this will go on?"

"I have no idea," he raked a hand through his hair. "If it even loosely follows the tale of King Arthur, we're missing the characters of Guinevere and Merlin." He shrugged, "Of course, there's no telling if they are even in this program."

The yelling and shouting got louder, taking Will's attention back to the matter at hand.

The guard was leaning over the side of the wall as he retorted to Arthur. "I'm French! Why do you think I have thees outrrrrageous accent, you silly king!"

A knight named Galahad took a couple of steps toward the castle wall, in a half-challenging way. "What are you doing in England?"

The Frenchman spat, "Mind your own business!"

Galahad cowered behind Arthur as the king once again addressed the man in the castle. "If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!"

Will nearly choked at the king's remark. "How are we going to do that, Your Majesty? There are only a dozen or so of us. We don't know how many men are inside that stronghold!"

Before the king could reply, the guard began talking again. "You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!" Leaning over the side again, he continued the string of insults. "Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thhhhhppp!" Banging on the top of his helmet, the sentry then began making noises and what appeared to be rude gestures toward the group of knights.

Deanna tapped on Riker's shoulder. "This is the strangest program I've ever been involved in!"

He nodded back to her, laughing. "It definitely beats out Barclay's fantasies by a long shot!"

Will wasn't even listening to what the other men were saying now; he just watched the events unfold in utter disbelief, as Arthur and the Frenchman continued back and forth.

Arthur, looking very frustrated, took a deep breath and spoke once more to the sentinel. "Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable! I demand to talk with the master of this castle!"

The guard disappeared momentarily behind the stone wall and the red alert sirens went off in Riker's mind. "Your Highness? I think they may be up to something up there!"

The King had his fist raised, shaking it threateningly toward the castle. "Now listen here, my good fellow--" He paused to address Will. "How do you mean?"

"Well, sir--" Riker started, when a loud twang took the rest of his words. He looked up to see a cow flying through the air toward them! "WHAT THE HELL?"

Deanna screamed as the cow landed on one of the squires that recently appeared in their troupe.

Arthur drew his sword, yelling for the knights to charge. Most of the knights took off toward the fortress, also drawing their swords and yelling.

Will stayed with Deanna, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." She started to laugh some. "THAT was unexpected!"

"You're telling me!" he chuckled, "In all my travels, I've never seen a flying cow!"

Troi pointed to the other knights. "Look at that! They're throwing more animals at King Arthur and the rest!"

"Ugh," Will wrinkled his nose in disgust, seeing what appeared to be a sheep carcass being tossed over the edge. "It doesn't look like all of them are living, either."

"You know, I think you were supposed to go with the rest when Arthur charged the castle."

"I know," Riker said. "You screamed, and I wanted to make sure you were okay." His hands dropped to his side. "That, and I don't have a sword yet. I'm not about to attack a castle with my bare hands!" He jerked his head toward the chaos at the base of the stone wall. "I don't think they'll be fighting much longer, anyway."

It was as if Will cued the next movement of the knights. Arthur began yelling, "Run away, run away!" leading the group in a retreat from the stronghold.

As the king and his company fled past them, Will and Deanna joined in their stampede.

Once they were a fair distance from the French castle, the knight called Bedevere addressed Arthur, flipping the flimsy visor of his helmet up. "Sir! I have a plan."

Bedevere went on for a bit, giving the king the details of his plan while the others listened.

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

Deanna looked on as Will assisted the other knights in the construction of… something. She wasn't quite sure what it was supposed to be, honestly. There had been mention of a rabbit, but at the moment, it didn't look like much more than a small wooden house.

What amazed her about the construction were the sounds involved. They only had hand axes and the like, but when the knights were chopping trees down for their project, the sound didn't always match the action. She and Will nearly collapsed from laughing when he was cutting the branches off one tree and a noise like a cat being stepped on erupted from the limb! It had been sometime, if ever, since she'd laughed so much!

Troi jumped hearing Arthur's loud voice. "Okay, men! I believe we are ready to take the French castle! Lancelot, you, Bedevere, Galahad, William push our 'gift' to the front entrance!"

Several of them murmured disdainfully as they went about their job.

Deanna looked at the finished… thing… the men were pushing toward the fortress. It did look somewhat like a rabbit now, but she still wasn't real sure what was going on.

Once the giant wooden rabbit was in place, Will, along with the other knights, snuck quickly back to Arthur and the others.

All of the men were intently watching the structure sitting outside the castle walls.

Deanna stepped beside Will to watch with them. After a little while, the huge doors of the stronghold opened and one of the Frenchmen peeked out.

The door shut, then opened again. This time, there were three heads that poked out of the entrance. They seemed to discuss amongst themselves for sometime before going to the rabbit structure, pushing it inside the castle.

Arthur beamed at Sir Bedevere. "What happens now?"

Bedevere lifted the squeaky visor of his helmet to speak. "Well, now, Lancelot, Riker, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall; then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by  
surprise! Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!"

Will's head jerked toward him. "Excuse me, Sir Bedevere. Who leaps out?"

The knight's visor fell back down over his face and he lifted it again. "Uh… you, Lancelot, Galahad, and I…."

Arthur put his hand to his forehead, as if he had a headache. "Oh…"

Bedevere cleared his throat, looking a bit embarrassed. "Um, if we built this large wooden badger--"

Before he could finish, another loud twang was heard.

Will's eyes were wide when he looked at Deanna, then toward the castle.

Everyone saw the wooden rabbit hurling toward them.

"Run away! Run away!" Someone started chanting again, with the others quickly following suit. Everyone turned and ran toward the forest behind them.

The structure crashed onto one of the unnamed knights, splintering into pieces.

Once the excitement of the attack subsided, Arthur found Will. "I believe Sir Not Appearing in this Film will no longer need his sword. I believe you should take the weapon, Sir William, so you will be armed."

Will narrowed his eyes at the king. "Yes, Your Majesty," he said as he took the sword from the mass of splintered and broken boards.

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table were on their merry way to Camelot, skipping along as the squires behind were banging coconut halves together. The group passed through an area of the forest thick with undergrowth, slowing their progress the castle.

During all this, Deanna managed to get pushed near the end of the caravan of squires. She didn't mind it much, in fact, she still found it quite amusing with all the men acting as they were, Will especially. She could sense he was completely relaxed, and found the whole thing funny too, which doubled her enjoyment.

Some rustling in the bushes caught Troi's attention. She paused to see what was making the sound, when a group of three men dressed in bright red robes jumped from the bushes near her.

One wearing a wide-brimmed hat yelled. "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

The sudden outburst scattered the knights temporarily and they scampered around here and there, eventually calming down.

The three men in red laughed at the chaos they'd caused and the leader continued when he saw King Arthur and the others settling down. "Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency... Amongst our weaponry...are such diverse elements as fear, surprise.…" He paused for a moment. "Damn! I'll come in again." The other two followed him back into the bushes.

Everyone just stood around, not real sure what to think or what to do about the robed men, when the three jumped out again. The leader stepped forward again, repeating what he'd said earlier. "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!" He turned to one of his henchmen. "Biggles, I can't say it - you'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are.'"

The one addressed as Biggles answered, looking completely terrified. "I couldn't do that!"

The lead cardinal growled as he pushed the other two back into the bushes.

Before they hid again, Arthur called out. "Sir! May I ask what you are doing here?"

All three men stopped and the one leading faced the king. "I am Cardinal Ximinez of the Spanish Inquisition! WE are here to charge the lot of you knights on counts of heresy!" He turned toward the other man clad in red. "Cardinal Fang, read the charges!"

Fang was cowering behind Ximinez and straightened himself before producing a scroll from his sleeve. "You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'"

"Shush!" Ximinez stopped him with a slashing gesture of his hand, then smiled evilly at the knights. "Now, how do you plead?"

Arthur answered, "We are innocent!"

The Cardinals began laughing and two words appeared in yellow lettering above their heads.

'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER'

Deanna couldn't help but laugh; it was all so ridiculous. Unfortunately, her mirth caught the attention of Ximinez.

"You!" He walked over and grabbed Deanna's arm. "How do you plead?"

Troi was shocked by the cardinal's sudden change in demeanor. "I don't answer to you!" she said.

"Ha! We'll soon change your mind about that!" He turned to the other cardinals. "Take her to the castle!" Looking back to her, he said, "She will confess."

Biggles and Fang clumsily took hold of Deanna's arms and took off into the forest. She could hear Will calling for her as he ran behind them.

Will tried to follow the crazy men who had taken Deanna, but soon lost them. He turned to join back with Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Maybe, just maybe, he could get some help from them.

As he approached the others, Arthur addressed him. "Sir William, I believe it would be a good idea for us to split up in order to find the Holy Grail. Sir Galahad will travel with you."

Riker nodded to the king. "That's fine, but what about Deanna?"

He arched an eyebrow. "Who?"

Will blew out a frustrated breath. "Deanna! The woman that was just kidnapped!"

"Oh yes," Arthur paused for a moment, looking confused. "What about her?"

"Are we just going to sit around and do nothing about those men that took her?" Riker rolled his eyes before Arthur could answer. "Never mind, sir. Forget I asked." He then faced Galahad, "Are you ready?"

Galahad looked nervously at the commander. "Uh… Yes! I am ready, Sir William! Lead the way!"

"Good. We'll go this way." Riker smiled as he lead Galahad through the brush in the direction the Spaniards took Deanna.

As the two strode away from the throng of knights, he heard King Arthur call to them, "Good Luck on your quest!"

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

Will and Galahad traveled for a long while with little said between them. His quest was to find Deanna. He could care less about the Holy Grail.

Eventually, Galahad spoke. "Sir William, do you think we'll actually find the Grail?"

Riker shook his head in mild amusement. "I have no idea, Galahad. I would like to find Deanna first." He stopped for a moment, seeing a bit of red tangled in a tree several meters ahead of them. "It looks like the cardinals ran through here."

The young knight followed him to the scrap of material. "Don't you think finding the Grail is more important?"

"Not more important than finding Deanna," Will answered. Looking at the ground, he saw footprints leading toward the edge of the woods. "This way."

The two started toward the tree line, when an explosion nearby threw them roughly to the ground. Will landed painfully on his left shoulder and Galahad's right leg was injured when the explosion knocked him against a tree.

Slowly, Riker picked himself off the ground and checked on the young knight. "Galahad, are you alright?"

"Ow-ow-ow-ow!" he complained, trying to cradle his hurt leg.

_God, when is this craziness going to end?_ Will grabbed the young man's arm. "Come on, stand up. I'm sure you'll be fine. We have a mission to accomplish, remember?"

Galahad's voice was shaky when he answered. "Y-yes, you are right. We must find the Grail!" He took Will's hand and pulled up, hopping slightly on his uninjured leg.

Riker pulled Galahad's arm around his neck to help the young man walk. "Maybe there's a castle nearby where we can get someone to look at that leg of yours." _And I can leave you there. _

"Sorry 'bout that!" A voice called from behind them, causing the commander to stop. "We set a trap to kill mosquitoes an' it looks like you triggered it!"

Will turned in the direction of the voice, almost expecting to see the Spanish Inquisition again. He was surprised to see a group of men that looked very similar to several of the other knights, Arthur included. "Kill mosquitoes?" he asked.

"Yep, tha's what we do!"

_This keeps getting worse and worse,_ Will thought. "Isn't setting a bomb a bit much for killing mosquitoes?"

"Nah." The man speaking finally stepped out from the bushes, wearing safari khakis. "They're real killers, I tell ya! You gotta be sneaky to get 'em."

"Yeah," Riker deadpanned. "Well, you injured my friend here," he nodded toward the whimpering form of Galahad, who was leaning heavily on him. "Any chance you've got a medic with you?"

"Nope." The 'hunter' approached the two, studying Galahad. "'E's not injured bad. 'Tis but a scratch."

"Is NOT!" Galahad yelled.

Will rolled his eyes. More insanity. "Okay, Galahad, let's go." He turned back toward the man in khakis. "Be more careful where you set those bombs, okay?"

Before he could answer, Riker pulled Galahad along with him toward the edge of the forest. The extra weight of the young knight was pulling on his bruised shoulder. He winced in pain, hoping there was a castle nearby so he could drop the knight off and continue looking for Deanna.

* * *

The Spanish Inquisition, led by Cardinal Ximinez, drug Deanna Troi through the forest.

"You won't get away with this!" Troi exclaimed. "King Arthur will send his knights after you!"

"I think not!" the cardinal said. "But, that doesn't matter! You will confess your heinous act of heresy!" His smile held a bit of dark amusement. "On pain of… TORTURE!"

Deanna felt all the blood drain from her head. _What did they mean by that? _"I still don't understand what you mean. Why must I confess?"

"You will understand when we get to the castle." Ximinez laughed and the other joined in.

"There it is!"

The counselor looked up to see the stone structure ahead of them. She wasn't able to get a real good look with all the bouncing around in-between Cardinals Fang and Biggles as they pulled her along while they ran toward the castle.

Upon entering, they pulled her through several dark passages before stopping in a cold room that somehow felt as if it were underground.

The Spaniards stopped as Cardinal Ximinez circled around them. "Now, woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- four counts. Do you confess?" He rubbed his hands together, giving her a smug smile.

Deanna sighed, very frustrated with these men. "I told you, I don't understand what I'm being accused of!"

He laughed, "Biggles! Fetch the CUSHIONS!"

_Cushions? _Curiosity took Deanna completely. _What would he want with cushions?_

The man ran off, returning quickly with a couple of what Deanna identified as throw pillows. "Here they are, lord."

Ximinez turned quite dramatically toward Troi. "Now, lady, you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- two last chances. And you shall be free -- three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance."

All Deanna could do was stare at her captor. "You've got to be kidding."

"I am not, milady!" the cardinal snapped. "Confess, or be tortured!"

She rolled her eyes, "Oh, no! Not the cushions!"

"Right!" he exclaimed, gesturing the go-ahead to Biggles. "Poke her with the soft cushions!"

As the Biggles continued to poke her with the pillows, all three cardinals were chanting, "Confess! Confess! Confess!"

Deanna couldn't hold it in any longer. The cushions tickled and with the craziness of the men there, she burst into laughter.

Cardinal Biggles stopped what he was doing. "It doesn't seem to be affecting her, lord."

Ximinez spun around, his robes flowing about him. "Do you have all the stuffing at one end?"

"Yes, lord."

The lead cardinal jerked the cushions from Biggles, then stroked his chin thoughtfully. "She must be made of harder stuff."

That comment caused another bought of laughter from Deanna, which seemed to make Ximinez all the angrier. "Cardinal Fang! Fetch… THE COMFY CHAIR!"

Fang's face contorted, reflecting absolute horror. "Not the comfy chair!" He then turned to leave the room.

"Yes! The comfy chair!" the leader clapped his hands in victory, facing Troi once again. "So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see."

Fang returned, pushing a very plush, soft-looking chair into the room, placing it in front of Deanna.

"Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!" Ximinez ordered.

The cardinal did as he was told, taking her by the arm and guided her to the chair and pushed her into it.

Leering at Deanna, Ximinez threatened, "Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven." He paused, looking somewhat confused, then addressed Biggles. "Is that really all it is?"

Biggles started to answer, but was interrupted by someone shouting.

All three cardinals turned toward the sound.

Deanna recognized the voice. "Will! I'm in here!"

The men turned back toward her when she yelled.

Biggles addressed his superior, "What do we do now, lord?"

"Leave her and run! We are obviously out numbered!"

The men nearly ran over each other for the exit.

* * *

Will and Galahad finally made it to the edge of the forest, finding a castle only a short distance from them.

The young knight looked skyward. "The Grail!" he exclaimed. "It's in that castle! Make haste, Sir William!"

Riker followed his gaze, seeing a cup shape illuminating the clouds above them. "I'm going as fast as I can, Galahad," he answered, shifting the man's arm around some on his neck.

It took a bit of time, but the two men finally made it to the door of the castle. Will gave it a rap then yelled, "I have an injured man here! Is anyone there who could help?"

Almost instantly, the door swung open, revealing a young lady dressed from head-to-toe in white. "Oh, please, Sir Knight, do come inside. We have someone here who may be able to help."

"Thank you," Will hefted Galahad through the entrance.

Once inside, Galahad spoke, "Where is the Grail?"

Her eyes widened. "Grail? What Grail?"

The girl in white introduced herself to them. "I am Zoot, and these are our doctors, Winston and Piglet," she gestured to each in turn. "They will look after your friend."

The two women came and took Galahad as he tried to fight them off. "I have seen the Grail and it's here! Show it to me!"

Will rolled his eyes and spoke to the Zoot. "He's delirious, don't listen to him." He watched as the others took the struggling knight into another room.

Zoot approached Riker, placing a hand on his shoulder, then ran it across his chest. "It is not very often we have male visitors at Castle Anthrax."

Riker felt the blood drain from his head. "Um… that's nice to know." He took her hands off him. "I have a question for you."

She took a step back, "I will do my best to answer."

"I'm looking for a friend who was kidnapped by three men wearing red robes. Have you seen anyone like that come by the castle?"

Zoot paused for a moment, biting her lower lip. "No… No, I haven't seen anything like that lately."

Will's eyes narrowed. She was lying and he knew it. He had only one card to play, and he hoped it would work. "Are you sure?" he took a step toward her. "It would mean a lot to me if you could tell something -- anything."

She scanned him appraisingly from head to toe. "Really?"

He gave his best smile. "Really."

At that moment, Galahad yelped and came running back with several dozen girls following after. "I must find the Grail!"

Will glanced into the room from which the young knight just came from and saw a flash of red go through the opposite door. _They're here!_ He took off running down the corridor. "Deanna! Where are you? Deanna!"

He faintly heard her voice, making him run all the faster. _If they've harmed her, I'll kill them,_ he thought.

When Riker entered the room with Deanna, her face was red and tear-stained. He hugged her close, stroking her hair. "It's okay, Deanna, I'm here."

She started giggling.

Confused, he pulled back to look at her, thinking she'd gone nuts too. "Deanna?"

"I'm okay," she chortled, "They… they…" another burst of laughter came forth.

All Will could do was hold her and try not to laugh. He honestly didn't know what to do.

Deanna finally calmed enough to finish what she was saying. Wiping tears from her cheeks, she said, "They tortured me, Will."

"What?" He started to stand so he could hunt down those bastards.

"No! No, not like that!" Troi giggled some more. "They were poking me with pillows!"

Riker was dumbfounded. "They… tortured you with_ pillows_?"

"Yes!"

This time, he laughed. "And here I was, thinking you were in danger!"

"I don't thing there's a such thing here! Except from flying cows and wooden rabbits!"

The two held each other in their amusement at Troi's comment.

Will finally got his breath back and wiped the moisture from Deanna's cheeks. "I think we should get out of here before they return. I'd hate to see what else they have up their evil sleeves!"

Deanna sobered for a moment. "You didn't come alone, did you?"

"Actually, Sir Galahad came with me, but he's upstairs entertaining the ladies." He gave a mischievous smile. "I think he can handle things by himself."

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

In the Observation Lounge, Captain Picard had called a senior officer's meeting to check on Geordi's progress dealing with the shipwide malfunctions. He was somewhat surprised at the absence of Commander Riker and Counselor Troi.

Picard looked around the table, seeing everyone was patiently waiting on him to begin. Sighing, he called out, "Computer, what is the location of Commander Riker and Counselor Troi."

In a gravelly male voice, the computer answered, "The place is England, 747 BC. No, not BC. Nothing happened in 747 BC! In Holodeck 747, they are in… "

"Oh, never mind." The captain rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Can any of you give any light as to what has happened to my ship?"

Sheepishly, Data answered. "I believe I can sir." The android's eyes darted around the room, giving the impression of being nervous. "I bought a holovid chip at the last Starbase we visited which contained many interesting comedies…" he paused a moment. "There was an error, which seemed quite minor, but when I corrected it, the chip apparently sent the programs all over the ship."

"That's right," Geordi added. "Unfortunately, the Commander and Counselor were in the only occupied holodeck at the time. For some reason, most of the programming concentrated there."

Dr. Crusher addressed Data. "Have you watched everything on the chip, Data?"

The android smiled, "Yes. It is quite humorous."

"That isn't what I meant," the doctor gave a sympathetic smile. "I was wondering if you can tell us if Will and Deanna are in any danger."

"Oh," Data turned toward the captain. "It is very possible they are in danger, sir. Some of the humor is quite… violent… in nature."

"Violent?" Picard stared at him for a moment before speaking. "Is there any way to stop it?"

LaForge answered, "Not really, sir. I believe we'll have to wait on Commander Riker and Counselor Troi. The program has embedded itself so in the holodeck, we believe it must run its course in order for everything to return to normal."

"In the meantime, we will try to quicken the pace of the program, without it being harmful to either of them," Data added.

"Good. Carry on and keep me posted." He nodded with a bemused smirk to the officers, "We'll just have to hope no one decides to try to attack the ship. Dismissed."

* * *

Will, Galahad, and Deanna miraculously ran into Arthur and his group as they were walking through the woods.

Arthur waved at them. "Hail, Sir William, Sir Galahad, and milady. Did you find the Grail on your quest?"

"No, sire, I'm afraid we didn't," Will answered.

The king looked downtrodden. "We haven't found it, either. But, I feel we shall find it soon after we pass through this forest. Come along." He cantered forth, and they followed.

As they traveled onward, Deanna had the feeling she was being watched. She'd look out, but nothing could be seen. It wasn't long before she ignored the feeling and concentrated on keeping with the others.

"Ni!"

Troi stopped, looking for the source of the sound.

"Ni! Ni!"

It seemed to be coming from all around, but the main voice was up high. She shuffled through the other squires and sidled up to Will. To her surprise, there was a person standing before them that was about five meters tall wearing a helmet with antlers attached to the side!

In a high nasal voice, the person said, "We are the Knights Who Say Ni!"

"Oh no!" Arthur gasped, "Not the Knights Who Say Ni!"

"The same!" he answered. "We are the keepers of the words, Ni, Peng, and Nuu-wom!"

Whispering to Will, the king said, "Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

"Okay…" Riker turned to Deanna and shrugged.

The head knight spoke again. "The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!"

King Arthur began to plead with them. "Oh, Knights of Ni, we are only passing through…"

That started another barrage of the others yelling 'Ni,' while Arthur and the others cowered and covered their ears.

They stopped yelling, and the leader address the Round Table knights. "We shall say 'Ni' again to you, if you do not appease us!"

Arthur staggered to his feet to answer. "What do you want?" he asked.

He replied dramatically, "We want -- A SHRUBBERY! Yes! You must find us a shrubbery if you want to pass this wood alive!"

Will watched as the king all but fell on his face in submission. "Yes, oh Knights Who Say Ni, we shall find you a shrubbery!"

"One that looks nice," the head knight added, "and not too expensive!"

"Yes, of course!" Facing his fellow knights, Arthur said, "Let us be off to find a shrubbery!" At almost break-neck speed, he lead them away from the forest.

Once again, Deanna and Will followed the knights retreat through the forest. When they were clear of the trees, a small village appeared a short distance from them.

Arthur stopped and addressed Riker. "Sir William, you will accompany me to that settlement, where we will seek out a shrubbery." To the others, he said, "The lot of you will stay here until we return."

Muttering, the other knights nodded and appeared to make themselves comfortable. Lancelot jumped forward and spoke, "Your Highness, I should go with you! You may walk into danger while in that village!"

"You are a valiant man, Sir Lancelot," he answered, "but I believe Sir William and I will be fine. I will make it your responsibility to keep the other knights protected. Is that acceptable?"

Lancelot drew his sword, "Yes, Sire, that will do. That, I will do in my own particular… idiom! Yes, idiom! That's the word!"

The king waved him off, "Very well. We will return soon." Then, to Will, "Come along, Sir William."

Will noticed Patsy following the king, and motioned for Deanna to follow. The four skipped toward the small settlement.

Just outside the community, Arthur stopped and ordered Patsy to stay. Riker turned toward Deanna, "Do you mind staying here with Patsy?"

Smiling, she answered, "Don't worry about me; I'll be fine, Will."

"Okay," he nodded and ran to catch up with Arthur, who'd just about left him behind.

Riker followed the king around the village for some time in their search for a shrubbery. They rounded a corner and saw a building filled with different kinds of animals.

Arthur gestured toward that structure and Will followed. As they entered, the sounds of two men arguing could be heard.

"It's bleedin' demised, I tell ya!"

"No it's not, it's pining!"

"Now tell me, my lad, why did it fall on its back the minute I got him home?"

"Norwegian Blues like kickin' on their backs!"

Arthur raised his hand to interrupt, "Excuse me, sir…"

The man with the parrot spun toward him. "Hold on a moment! Your turn will come when I've got a replacement for this dead parrot!"

"E's not dead! 'E's resting!" The guy who apparently was the owner of the pet shop corrected.

The men resumed arguing, and Will, very frustrated with the two men, spoke using his command voice. "We're trying to find a shrubbery! Can either of you tell us where to find one?"

Silence followed Riker's question, and both men, clearly frightened about something, stared at him.

Will waited a moment, but neither one seemed to be eager to speak. "Hello?" he asked, "I'm trying to find a shrubbery?"

The owner of the pet shop finally tried to say something. "A-a-s sh-shrubbery?

"Yes!" he exclaimed, "What is your problem? I can't believe something like that could bring fear to anyone!"

A someone answered from behind. "It's not fear of the object, sir. It's fear of the ones who demand such things." Arthur and Will turned to see another man standing in the doorway.

"So, can you help us?" Riker asked.

"Yes," he answered. "I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies."

Will smiled, "Good! You're the man we're looking for!" Then facing the king, he said, "Your Majesty, let's order our shrubbery!"

As Arthur followed Will and Roger out of the shop, the other men resumed their heated discussion over the dead parrot.

TBC...


	6. Chapter 6

Deanna and Patsy stood under the shade of a huge oak tree while Will and King Arthur checked the village for shrubberies. After several minutes, she noticed a line of four men, all dressed in white undershirts and boxer shorts marched out of one of the nearby houses.

Three of the men stopped as the leader stepped away, then they all turned to face him. He started barking orders and a few of the other men were talking back.

Patsy didn't seem very talkative, so Deanna walked a little closer to see what other craziness could possibly be going on. She noticed all the men in line looked a lot like some of the knights, even one was like Arthur! She watched and listened as the men continued on.

The man that looked like Sir Galahad was complaining, "Can't we do something else?"

Another spoke up, "Yeah, Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?"

Looking furious at the men in front of him, the leader, who appeared to be Lancelot, yelled, "Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh?"

_Fresh fruit? What does that have to do with anything?_ She thought.

Leaning into 'Galahad's' face, the man continued, " Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!" He looked around at the others, a look of almost maniacal enlightenment flashed across his face. "Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit…"

They're talking about defending themselves against fruit! Deanna stifled a laugh and took a few steps closer so it would be easier to listen in on them. As she did so, she noticed they each had name tags on.

Harrison, the 'Arthur' look-alike, took a small step toward the leader, "We done the passion fruit." He then started naming off a list of fruits, with help from the others.

'Lancelot' stopped him. "How about cherries?" His tag read 'Smith.'

"We did them," they answered.

"Red and black?" he questioned.

"YES!"

Smith thought for a moment, stroking his chin. "Bananas! We haven't done them!" He high-stepped to the side and a banana appeared in his hand. "How to defend yourself against a person armed with a banana!"

Deanna watched as he looked around. After a few moments his eyes stopped on her. Pointing at Troi, he said, "You! Come here, I need an assistant!"

"Me?" She stifled the giggle that tried to escape. _Could this get any more crazy? _

"Yes!"

Troi walked toward the tall man as he tossed the banana to her. "Here, catch!"

He turned back to address the others, "Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a person armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless."

Back to Deanna, Smith said, "Come at me with that banana. Now attack me with it. Come on, come on!"

"What?" She really had been listening to him, but she wasn't about to run at him holding a banana, much less any other sort of fruit!

"Come at me with the banana!" He walked over to her and adjusted the fruit in her hand like it was a knife. "Okay. I'm going to be over there, and you attack me!"

"No, I don't think I am," she replied.

"Oh, come on, please?" Smith pleaded, "These men really need to learn this!"

Deanna sighed and put the banana back in his hand. "I don't really think I'm cut out for this sort of thing."

His eyes widened as the banana was given back to him. "Careful! You could've lopped my hand off with that!"

She laughed, "No, I think not," she laughed, "And I agree with the guys. Pointed sticks would be a better weapon to defend against."

"Well!" he sneered, "We'll see how well you get on when some banana-wielding maniac comes out of the bushes and attacks you!"

Deanna heard Will calling her, so she turned and walked away from 'Lancelot.'

She gave Will a hug and asked, "How did it go?"

"You wouldn't believe it if I told you," he answered.

Laughing, Deanna replied, "You'd be surprised!"

* * *

Arthur and Will, along with all the other knights and squires, took the shrubbery to the Knights of Ni.

The Knights of the Round Table knelt as Arthur spoke. "Oh Knight Who Say Ni, we have brought you a shrubbery. May we pass through your forest now?"

The head knight answered in his high-pitched voice, "It is very nice. I like the laurel particularly. HOWEVER, we are no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!"

Looking somewhat bewildered, the king asked, "You're not?"

"No! We are now the Knights Who Say ikky ikky ikky ptang zoo-y poing!" The knight stood tall as one of his minions in the back yelled 'NI!'. He turned, shushing the other.

Back to Arthur, he said, "So, we must give you a test. You must find us ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!"

"Not another shrubbery!" Arthur exclaimed.

The knight nodded. "Yes! Another shrubbery! And when you are done with that, you must cut down the mightiest tree wiiiith -- A HERRING!" He held out a fish in his left hand.

Will couldn't take any more. "That's crazy! You can't cut down a tree with a herring, or any other kind of fish! It can't be done!"

All the former Knights of Ni howled as if they were in pain. "Don't say that word!"

Confused, Riker asked, "What word?

Holding his hands over his ears, the leader answered, "I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear!"

This is ridiculous, Will thought. "Then how do expect us not to say it, if we don't know what it is?"

The tall knight howled, "STOP! STOP SAYING THE WORD!"

"What? Is?" Riker prodded, hoping to find their weakness.

"No, of course not! You can't get far in life without saying 'is!'"

"What about 'it?'" The scream from the knights answered Will's inquiry, making him smile in amusement. "IT! IT! IT-IT-IT-IT-IT!" he yelled.

The head knight turned tail and ran off into the forest, followed by the others. All seeming to be in extreme pain over hearing the word 'it.'

King Arthur beamed at Riker. "Sir William, you are a valuable asset to the Round Table. Thank you for scaring them off!"

He bowed to the king. "You're welcome, Your Highness. I think we should continue on our way before they return."

"Once again, you are right." Arthur signaled to the others, "Let us be off!"

TBC...


	7. Chapter 7

As the caravan of knights left the forest, they came upon a man who appeared to be a wizard. He wore long blue robes and had what appeared to be ram's horns attached to his head piece. His long gray beard flowed around in the breeze as fireballs flew from his staff, making anything and everything he pointed at explode into flames.

King Arthur signaled for the knights to be silent, so they wouldn't disturb the man's concentration. They all watched in amazement for sometime, watching him blow up trees and rocks all around. There was one final explosion and the knights clapped for him.

He faced them as Arthur spoke. "What manner of man are you, who can summon up fire without wood or tinder?"

In a gravelly voice, he answered, "Greetings, King Arthur. I am Tim the Enchanter. Enchanting is what I do. And blow up things."

"You know my name!" said the king nervously.

"I do." With a swing of his staff, Tim blew up a rock on a nearby cliff.

Arthur ducked and tried to speak again, but nothing would come out.

Will realized the king was scared stiff, so he stepped forward. "We're looking for the Holy Grail, Tim. Do you have any idea where we could find it?"

"I DO!" Tim answered. "BUT, the path is not for the faint of heart! To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Caerbannog. A path from there leads to the most Holy Grail." He looked at each of the knights. "I will lead you there, but follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived!"

King Arthur had his hand up at his throat looking terrified as Tim continued.

"So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth!" With his hands, he mimicked sharp teeth by his mouth.

Riker noticed all the knights were visibly scared, but he really didn't care. They were only holograms, anyway. "Then show us the way, Tim the Enchanter!" he said.

Arthur's eyes were huge when he spun toward Will. "What?" he squeaked.

Will whispered to him, "It's okay, Your Majesty, you can send the other knights in first, and you won't be in any danger."

A wave of realization went over the king's face and he smiled, "Right! Let's be off!"

Will turned to Deanna, seeing she was giving another valiant effort to keep from laughing.

The knights, along with Will Riker and Deanna Troi, followed Tim the Enchanter to the Cave of Caerbannog. There was a trench not far outside the cavern opening where he stopped them and cowered down behind some of the rocks. He snuck a few glances toward the cave. "There he is!"

"Where, Tim?" Arthur asked, seeming quite uneasy with the way the enchanter was acting.

"There! At the cave's mouth!" He pointed hurriedly toward the cavern.

Will and Deanna walked around with the others to take a look.

Confused, Deanna spoke, "All I see is a white rabbit."

"It is the rabbit!" Tim exclaimed, "But, it's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"

Frustrated, Will started to stand, "I think I can take care of this!"

Troi stopped him. "No, Will! I have a bad feeling about this. You may actually get hurt this time. It's too easy."

They both watched as Arthur sent on of the other knights in. He leaped over the trench and charged the rabbit.

Deanna thought maybe she'd been wrong, when the rabbit leaped up and tore the knight's head off!

"Oh my god!" she said completely shocked.

"That's it!" Arthur drew his sword and yelled, "CHARGE!"

He and the other knights, including Will, charged at the rabbit. It killed another of the group and injured five others before the king called for them to run away.

As they retreated into the trench, Riker approached Tim, who had stayed behind. "Can't you throw one or two of your fireballs at the rabbit?"

The enchanter's face lit up. Apparently, the thought had never crossed his mind before. "Of course I can!" He climbed out of the trench and aimed his staff at the white rodent. A flurry of fireballs erupted from the end of it and connected with the area surrounding the cave entrance.

After the massive explosion, the knights remained hidden in the trench to the side of the cave. Just outside the entrance lay the remains of the white rabbit that had taken the lives of two of their group.

Will stayed still as the other knights walked around quietly, not sure what to do or say. He finally broke the silence. "Well? Aren't we going to enter the cave now? It appears the danger is gone."

Arthur jerked his head toward him, looking completely terrified. "Y-yes, you are right, Sir William." He took a deep breath, "Knights! Let us continue our quest!"

Several of the others mumbled as they appeared to gather their wits. Some of them giving Riker hateful glances.

He ignored the looks and sought out Deanna. You know, this is the biggest bunch of cowards I've ever traveled with!"

"I know you're getting frustrated with them." She said, and he knew she understood.

"Yeah," he ran his hand through his hair, trying to think positively. "Maybe the Grail is inside that cave!"

Deanna smiled, "I certainly hope so!"

A loud rumbling erupted from the cave and all eyes turned to the source of the noise. The rumble slowly turned into a roar, followed by sounds of very heavy footsteps.

"What could that possibly be?" Will asked.

His question was answered almost instantaneously. A huge cartoonish creature pushed out of the cave, clearly too big for the entrance, but got out nonetheless. Standing on two legs, it stopped right outside the cavern for a moment, studying the small people in front of it.

Will and Deanna were momentarily frozen with fear. The beast was enormous, standing about fifty meters tall. It was covered in blue fur with two yellow horns on top of its head. The most alien about it was the hundreds of eyes it had, all looking in different directions. The monster opened its mouth, letting loose another roar as it showed rows of razor-sharp teeth.

Arthur screamed as he turned tail and run, "It's the Legendary Black Beast of Arrgh! Run away! Run away!"

The others followed quickly after.

* * *

**INTERMISSION **

**AN EDUCATIONAL GOVERNMENT FILM; #48**

In this picture, there are 40 people. None of which, can be seen. OK, you can't see any picture at all…then IMAGINE a scene, say, a meadow surrounded by a few trees, where there are 40 people…but they cannot be seen. OK. Got it? Good.

Mr. Nadel Gussman of 356 Worchestershire Avenue is trying not to be seen. Imagine him being present, but not seen in the picture you are imagining. "Mr. Gussman, will you please stand up?"

In a spurt of haste, Mr. Gussman stands up in the imaginary scene.

**BOOM! **

Mr. Gussman is no more. He has missed the first lesson of not being seen…NOT to stand up.

Mrs. Ella Jeane Suggs of 790 Heines Avenue is located somewhere in the imaginary setting. "Will you please stand up, Mrs. Suggs."

Imagine Mrs. Suggs not standing up. Mrs. Suggs has learned the first lesson of not being seen, not to stand up. However, there is a small bush in the center of the meadow. We have reason to believe she is behind that very bush!

**BOOM! **(The bush explodes in a blaze of fire, followed by someone screaming)

She missed the second lesson of not being seen by finding a rather obvious piece of cover.

Mr. Rocker B. Sutton of Long Island has presented us with a poser. We don't know which bush he is hiding behind. Imagine three scrawny bushes and an unsuspecting victim behind one of them.

Is it the left one? **BOOM! **(The bush bursts into flames.)

NO, it wasn't the left one. Is it the right one? **BOOM! **(This one bursts into flames also.)

NOPE, not that one. There is only one left. The middle one. Could he be here?

**BOOM! **(This one bursts into flames as Mr. Sutton runs off with the seat of his pants on fire.)

Yes, you imagined right: The MIDDLE one.

So thus, this completes our government film on Not being seen. Thank you for taking the time to watch… imagine, whatever… this film!

**CONCLUSION **

* * *

As the knights took off, the beast ran after them, picking off the slower ones first.

Will and Deanna ran off, then seeing the monster was after the others, they snuck inside the cave to watch the others scurrying about trying to get away from the Black Beast.

The monster made quick work of the knights and was chasing after one of the squires that had managed to keep out of reach… until now. The Black Beast grabbed the man it had pinned with its mouth. Then, as it was still crunching on the squire, it turned toward Will and Deanna.

Troi pulled on Will's arm, "What do we do now?"

Never taking his eyes from the monster, he said, "I think running is a good option."

The Black Beast roared again, charging toward them. And it stopped in mid-step and a voice came from somewhere, maybe the sky.

_As the Black Beast lunged forward, escape seemed hopeless. WHEN SUDDENLY, the animator suffered from a fatal heart attack!_

The beast faded away as the voice continued, _And the cartoon peril was no more._

Deanna looked up at Will after the beast disappeared. "Do you think we're finished?" 

"I don't know, but there's only one way to find out," he said. "Computer, end program."

Nothing happened.

Riker stomped his foot. "Damn! There's still more to go!"

"Well, it seems to me that we're fairly safe right now," she replied. "Why don't we take some time to rest, then continue the search for the Grail?"

Riker nodded, "Yeah, I could use some rest." He looked out to the field where the beast and knights were running about earlier. "And we don't have Arthur and the others to listen to now!"

TBC...


	8. Chapter 8

Geordi already had the wall panel open and several tools lying about when Data joined him. "I think I've found your program, Data. It's in there pretty good, too."

"There is no way of stopping the program?" he queried.

The chief engineer looked away from the console he was working on. "Not as far as I can tell. Take a look and see if there's anything you can do with it."

"Okay." Data took LaForge's place and studied the information before him. Sighing, he truly felt guilty about what his study of comedy had caused. He punched a few commands into the keypad, and turned back to his friend. "It cannot be stopped; however, the program is progressing faster now."

Geordi studied him for a moment. "Data, are you okay?"

He looked down for a moment before answering. "I think so, Geordi. I am hopeful the Commander and Counselor are not injured because of me."

LaForge smiled and gave a friendly pat on Data's shoulder. "I'm sure they've gotten out of worse cases. I wouldn't worry too much." His gaze went back to the wall panel. "What's that?"

Data turned back and read the information scrolling on the small screen. "It appears all of the programs have melded together." He changed out a couple of the isolinear chips and keyed some more commands. "I believe we should keep watch on this panel until Commander Riker and Counselor Troi emerge. The program is continually changing and must be updated in order to keep it moving toward the end."

"Okay," Geordi stroked his beard. "How long do you think they'll be?"

"Unknown. They have been in there for 10.85 hours now. The movies were no longer than two and one half hours." Data glanced back at the display. "It appears they are near the ending of the movie, The Holy Grail. It would be a guess that they would finish it in the next 3-4 hours, possibly longer if it runs into the other movies."

Geordi whistled. "That's a long time in the holodeck."

"Indeed." A thought came to him, "Perhaps I can erase the other programs, possibly eliminating the odds of that happening." Data took one of the tools Geordi had and began his attempt at clearing some of the programs.

Blue and yellow sparks flew from the console and a male voice came from the console from which Data was working. When it started again, it was a male voice speaking. His brow furrowed as he listened.

_"…leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The Fir! The Larch! The Redwood! The mighty Scots Pine! With my best girl at my side, we'd sing, sing, sing!"_

The song continued as Geordi asked, "What is that?"

Data laughed some, "It is The Lumberjack Song! Is it not funny?"

"Sure, but could you turn the volume down?"

"Oh, yes. One moment." He reached in and tried to turn the music off from the keypad. The song stopped, but was replaced by a loud squeal, followed by another song…

_Spam, spam, spam, spam_

"Oh dear." Data reached in again, and pulled out the wires connecting to the speakers. Thankfully, the noise stopped.

Slowly, he turned back toward LaForge, sporting an apologetic smile.

The chief engineer just shook his head.

* * *

Will came back into the cavern with an armful of wood. Using a torch that just happened to be on the cave wall, he made a campfire.

"This has been quite an adventure so far, hasn't it?" he asked, taking a seat close to the small blaze.

Deanna settled beside him. "It has. Part of me keeps waiting for Q to show up."

"I know!" Riker laid his arm across her shoulders. "At least we finally have some 'alone' time." He leaned over and kissed her cheek, and Deanna started to giggle. "What's so funny?"

"I was just thinking about what I saw earlier today while you and the others were looking for a shrubbery." She couldn't hold in her mirth as she told him the rest. "This guy was trying to show some other men how to defend themselves from people armed with fruit!"

Joining in her laughter, Will rubbed his hand over his face. "I bet that was something to see!"

"You have no idea!" Troi wiped away a few happy tears as she continued, "In fact, he tried to get me to assist him in demonstrating how to defend yourself from someone armed with a banana!"

"Now THAT'S something vital to know!" Riker smiled mischievously at her. "Especially if you're a beautiful woman." He pulled Deanna onto his lap.

Deanna didn't resist. In fact, she welcomed the action, saying as she leaned forward. "You can attack me with your banana any day!"

Will captured her mouth in a loving, sensuous kiss.

Then, the ground shook.

Both were frozen, unsure what they should do.

With a loud boom, another tremor ran through the ground.

Deanna got out of Riker's lap, allowing him to stand. "Wait here," he said, and snuck to the cavern entrance as the earth quaked again. She could feel his disbelief at the sight before him.

On the horizon, the sun and two clouds, all sporting a pair of legs, were jumping up and down, shaking the ground as they landed!

He watched them for a little while and jumped slightly when Deanna stepped up beside him. "What do you make of that?"

She shrugged and traced his jaw line with her finger. "They're so far off, I'm not worried."

"Well," he replied, "I guess I won't worry about it either. Where were we, anyway?"

* * *

Deanna woke with a start. Sitting bolt upright, she scanned the empty area around her. A wave of relief came over her when she saw Will appear from the far end of the cavern they'd slept in.

"Good morning," he said, smiling brightly at her. "Sleep well?"

"As best as possible, given the fact I slept on the ground," she sighed, feeling of her tangled hair. She couldn't wait to get out of this holodeck fantasy.

"I scouted around a bit, and there's an opening not too far from here." Will helped Deanna stand, "I have a feeling we're supposed to go out that way."

"Okay," she dusted off her skirt some and looked up to Riker. "Let's go, then. I'm ready for my own bed."

Will laid his arm across her shoulders. "Rabeem, Imzadi."

The two traveled through the cave without incident. It wasn't long before they approached the opening Will had found earlier.

Treading carefully, Riker stepped out and looked around. "It seems okay, Deanna. Come on."

Troi followed him out onto the high ledge that led from the cavern. She approached the edge and glanced down. The shelf they were on was several hundred meters high. Turning, she met Will's gaze.

He gave a bemused smirk. "I don't know about you, but I'm going to see where this ledge goes."

"Sounds good to me," she answered, watching the way his blue tunic played across his broad shoulders as he walked away.

It wasn't long before they caught the first glimpse of a bridge and a man in a suit standing nearby.

Will stopped to face Deanna. "There's another one. What do you think will happen next?" he questioned.

Laughing, she answered, "I have no idea. In fact, as crazy as things have been so far, I don't think I could imagine anything close to what will happen."

"Good point," he said and strode toward the bridge keeper.

He waved as Riker approached, then offered his hand. "Hello, friends. I am Sir George Head. I suppose you'd like to cross one of the Bridges of Death?"

Will ignored part of what the man said as he shook both of his hands. "Yes, we'd like to cross the bridge."

"Good, good," Sir George said as he reached to shake Deanna's hands. "There are four of you, right?"

Riker glanced back at Troi. "Um… no, there are only two of us."

The man stopped for a moment, then covering his right eye, he scanned Will up and down, then did the same to Deanna. "I see. Right, that changes things a bit." He paused again, clearly unsure of what to do next. "Right… well, would you still like to cross one of the Bridges of Death?"

Deanna spoke up this time, "I don't understand what you mean. There is only one bridge!"

Looking slightly to the left of Troi, he answered, "No there's not! There are TWO bridges! I've been here for years, and there has always been two bridges!"

Will stomped his foot slightly and looked down with a bemused look on his face. He faced the man again. "Take another look, Mr. Head. There is only one bridge, and Deanna and I would really appreciate it if you would allow us to cross it!"

"I could've sworn…" George turned toward the bridge and covered his right eye again. The bridgekeeper uncovered and covered his eye several times while looking at the flimsy structure. "I see… well, this changes things a bit." He smiled weakly at Will and Deanna. "So… you'd like to cross?"

"YES! Please!" Riker exclaimed.

He stepped to the side. "Okay, but first you must pay for an argument -- FOUR arguments."

"Pay for an argument? What do you mean?" Deanna asked.

"You must each pay for an argument before crossing the bridges of death." Head pulled out a notepad and a pen and scribbled onto the paper. "So, there are four of you… Right. I need to know how long of an argument you'd like, and which bridge you want to cross."

Riker was getting very frustrated with this man. "Where do you keep getting the number four? There are two of us!"

"I'm not playing your mind games, my lad," he answered, "There are four of you, and if you want to cross over, you'll do as you're told!"

Will regarded the man for a moment. "Aren't we having an argument now?"

"Why, yes, we are!" The bridge keeper's eyes widened. With a loud bang, Sir George Head was launched into the air and fell into chasm of rocks below.

Riker took Deanna's hand and led her onto the bridge, "That was almost too easy!" Carefully, they crossed the rickety old bridge.

As they stepped once again onto solid ground, Will turned to give her a hand. "Thanks," she said.

He smiled, glad it was just the two of them again. "No problem. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for this to be over."

"Me too." She brushed her hair off her shoulders. "We've been in here for some time. I would think the end would come very soon."

"Yeah." Will stopped, hearing some shuffling coming from the bushes. "I think we have company again."

He barely got the words out when a bunch of old ladies dressed in black and carrying huge purses jumped out of the surrounding foliage and attacked Riker.

"What the--?" he said as he went down.

The women really didn't harm him, but he couldn't quite defend himself again the barrage of purses hitting him on the head and where ever else they landed.

Will covered his face and tried to remain still through the onslaught continued. He hoped Deanna was okay.

He heard some kind of engine coming toward them, which seemed to trigger the ladies to stop beating him and run off.

"Are they gone?" he asked, his voice muffled from being face-down in the dirt.

Deanna walked over to help him up. "Yes, they're gone. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he replied as he sat up, dusting the dirt out of his hair and clothes.

She laughed, "You have to admit, you probably had that one coming after your years of being 'Will the Thrill.'"

Riker gave her a smirk as he stood up.

An old ground car drove up to them, bringing up a cloud of dust in it's wake. Three men jumped, dressed as policemen, jumped out and began chasing the women, eventually catching them.

The men handcuffed the ladies, pushed them into the car, and drove off.

Riker and Troi watched the car as it disappeared into the distance.

"Do you think that's it?" she asked.

Will looked down at her. "I don't know," he said. "Computer! End program!"

The landscape dissolved, leaving the familiar black and yellow grid of the holodeck.

Will was the first to speak. "Well, after THAT adventure, I'm not sure if I want to go inside another holodeck again!"

"I agree," said Deanna, "Why don't we start having our romantic picnics and such in our quarters?"

"That's a good plan, if I ever heard one!" He smiled and placed his arm around her shoulders. "Let's get out of here."

The doors hissed open and they were surprised to see Captain Picard and the others outside waiting, and the circuitry exposed on one of the walls.

Will's brow furrowed, "Captain? Is there something wrong?"

The captain shook his head. "No, Number One, not anymore. You and the Counselor just fixed everything."

Deanna questioned, "We did? How?"

Data stood and answered her, "By finishing the program. The malfunctions you experienced were caused from the holochip I had. When I activated it, corrupted messages were sent throughout the ship, and most of it concentrated in the holodeck." The android looked a bit bewildered, "I am sorry."

"It's okay, Data." Riker gave a meaningful glance to Deanna. "Now that it's all over, I think we actually had a great time! Nothing we'd want to repeat, but a great time."

Deanna cuddled up next to Will as they watched Geordi and Data finished placing the covering on the panel. LaForge tapped in a few commands into the keypad then commanded, "Computer, run a level three diagnostic on holodeck ----"

They all fell into a fit off laughter when the computer answered, "Ni! Ni!"

Data's face actually turned a shade of dark gold. "I suppose not all the malfunctions were corrected. I shall start on that immediately… in Engineering." He turned and walked toward the nearest turbolift.

THE END


End file.
